Love and other disasters Part 2
If you'd like to read Part 1, go here. Part 1 is for those who prefer to keep life "positive." Part 2 deals with the darker side of the topic.
As I said in Part 1, if you are a talkative dude or dudette, you'll naturally gravitate towards a companion who's a listener, or someone who you think can be persuaded to become a listener. Similarly, if you can't speak to save your life, you'll find comfort in a friend who can speak his mind.
People seem to have this radar that seeks out people who complement their own behavior, people with the "chemistry." These are clues why I think people are wired to do a balancing act.
Maybe that's what the yin-yang theory is trying to tell us. We instinctively know that one dominant attribute without a counter-balancing one is bad for us so we are quick to pal up with someone who will make us feel whole. Nothing bad about that in my opinion.
But everything has a bright and dark side and in this instance, the dark side emerges for unfortunate people who grew up in abusive conditions. A spouse beater ala the Rihanna-Chris Brown affair for example. Brown apparently grew up to see his mother suffer in the hands of his abusive father and somehow felt it was okay to beat the crap out of his girlfriend.
I won't comment on Chris Brown but if you've ever been pissed at someone at work or wherever because of their sadistic tendencies, you could be staring at exactly that - a person who's trying to do a balancing act. As a sadist, he or she needs to find a willing victim to play his/her role in order to feel whole.
It takes two to tango so there's always the willing complementary player. When a person grows up being told, "I beat you because I love you," then as an adult he/she may find himself gravitating towards an oppressive employer or spouse to nip that empty feeling. They just can't help but seek that relationship - bizzarre as it sounds - to feel whole too.
This is what I call the Tom and Jerry relationship. It's grotesque but Tom can't be Tom without Jerry, and Jerry can't be Jerry without Tom. They came together for a reason.
So in the same manner, battered spouses will always go back to their tormentors. Bullied employees will keep finding oppressive bosses to work for despite all the complaining. They are like magnets attracted to each other.
5 comments:
That is quite true as it seems to be the cycle and many people cannot seem to get out of it because they can identify the problem. I realise that identifying the problem is a big part of it. Then taking steps to conciously change it. It is easier to blame it on fate then to make a big change.
Yeah, a misdiagnosis can aggravate the problem than cure it. After watching Oprah and Larry King on the issue of spouse beating, I realized 2 things. One, despite all the counseling and arrests, most perpetrators and victims will keep going at it until one of them dies of abuse or is locked up. The fact is despite all the denials, some people subconsciously want to be hit and killed by the person they love. Its like a death wish. They have no idea why they want it, which is probably what lemmings say as the run to the cliffside.
Two, that while these things appear to happen randomly, the fact that battered spouses often leave one abuser to run into the arms of another abuser indicates many of them are serial victims or serial abusers. There seems to be a pattern (not random). My question is, why do serial victims always pick out serial abusers to partner with among the millions of random people they meet. The odds of that happening repeatedly are just mind boggling.
Greetings Damien. =) It has been quite a while...
I think most people actually has the ability to Identify the problem. But I say Fixing the problem is what people avoids. We actually allow problems to happen over and over again and most of the time, it is due to Avoidance and Ignorance of things...
well, because things run in cycles. It's something that they are familiar with, it's a perverted comfort zone. so unless they break out of it, they're not going to change anything.
on a side note, these people might "bring out the beater" in their partner. as in force them to react in a violent manner. i have seen people who piss others off on purpose. They want to see a reaction maybe? Something extream, because they thrive on it. They need that thrill in their lives and they love to play victim. * oh i;m so hurt* they seem to love doing that. they want attention from other people to see themselves hurt. just another perspective that i have observed.
but of cause this does not apply to all. Just some. but there are people like that. and those poor poor people who, really just got caught up in it.
@HC, nice to see you again. Yeah you may be right. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't always apply to everything.
@Xen, yeah I've met manipulators, some nasty ones in previous work places. They try to elicit a response to satisfy some need. They probably find it fulfilling, albeit in a perverted and sometimes dangerous way. I suppose its called mental illness for a reason...
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